you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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