I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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