i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
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don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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