you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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