Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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