I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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