oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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