Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
