His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
