sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
