I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I need water and some morals
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
