anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
