i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
