Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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