that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
