According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
