Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cockslap morals
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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