I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
