I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
