I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
