Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
