Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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