do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
