I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
