Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
