I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I want to fling myself into the sun
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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