Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
