Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
