someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
