oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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