I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
