i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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