We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What drink are we having for lunch?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
