The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
