Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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