if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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