I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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