Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
