The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
