I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
