Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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