Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
