Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
