I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
