Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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