Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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