I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
