some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
