Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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