mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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