Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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