20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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