I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
