I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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