You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
