An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
