i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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