Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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