Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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